June is here again! (triggers)

In June of 2004 I was pregnant with our first baby, almost into my 2nd trimester. "She" was decidedly a war baby, conceived immediately after Jim returned home from Iraq in Apr 2004! We were surprised it happened so soon and thrilled beyond words. June 24th I started spotting. I immediately had my stomach fall and got ready to hear the bad news. I had this happen years before, I knew that bleeding at 11w4d was NOT a good sign.

I called my OB office and he was on vacation so his associate saw me... The next day on our 2yr anniversary of meeting I had a D&C to remove the baby we so desperately had wanted. Devastation seems just too weak a word.

I had a gut feeling that something was wrong with me and this was not just a fluke loss. I got online and found Web-Md. Better than that, I found their message boards. I ended up on Coping with Loss, a board dedicated to support for people (usually women) who'd lost a child. It was there I found an angel that lead me in the direction of a diagnosis. I had some funky blood work while pregnant. I had antibodies running around that took 4 labs to test to never find why! I also tested false positive for syphilis. In the past I'd tested on a titer that I didn't have enough immunity from Rubella and needed a booster. Never got the booster and then a year or so later tested another titer and was well within normal limits!  Later I received the Hep B vaccine series, did a titer and wasn't immune. Did a booster and another titer and again wasn't immune!

So following my guardian angel's advice I had my OB test me for Lupus. Made sense, my mom has 2 cousins with systemic lupus so ... My ANA was positive so I went to a rheumatologist. I don't have systemic lupus, YET, but I do have lupus anticoagulant. We came up with a plan of action. Lovenox injection and low dose aspirin therapy were going to be my very best friends during pregnancy. We were given the go ahead to try to conceive again.

I then found TTCAL: Trying to conceive after loss. It was there that some of the most amazing friendships began to form. I was so very lucky, I was only on that board for about 6 or 7 weeks when I found out we were pregnant. It was Sweetest Day and was it a sweet day!! :)

The progression from TTCAL was PAL. What an acronym, never thought that PAL would mean I'd make pals... PAL: Pregnancy after Loss = friendship. Not all of us were on the exact same paths in life other than all of us had at some point suffered at least one pregnancy loss from early on to still birth and one was born too early and lived for only 2months. This commonality was so bonding to us it was amazing.

Through the years some have moved in different directions and didn't feel the need for the online friendship anymore but a few of us have remained close. Some of us have met in person and the rest of us wish we could!

I was lucky to meet Selena first. I was pregnant with Joshy and we were driving to Buffalo, NY and going though Chicago to get there. She lives in Chicago so we had lunch together to meet. I met her oldest boys, Adam and Charlie and her little girl Grace whom was born 17days before Joey. Selena and I have gotten together a few times over the years. Her mom invited us to her surprise 30th birthday party and we attended and had a blast! She had a new baby by that time, Eric. We've gone to the Museum of Science and Industry and Field Museum as well. Last year in June she stayed at a water park hotel near me and I was able to meet her last baby, Luke. I really enjoy her company, I wish that we both didn't have so many kids to keep us too busy and while we're an hour or so apart it's like pulling teeth to coordinate. But we get to talk online nearly daily!

I then got to meet Tricia. Jim was receiving an award at Ft. Snelling in Minnesota and Trica lived nearby. She's such a loving, trusting wonderful lady. Having never actually met in person she invited me and my family to stay at her house while we were there for the weekend! I was afraid that we'd not get along or something and didn't want to ruin our friendship so we stayed one wonderful night then the next night we stayed on the Air Force base hotel. It was really nice to meet her and her husband Bryn. Her kids are wonderful. She has Nathan, Megan, Joshua whom is a month younger than my Joey and then Katie whom is 6 weeks older than my Joshy. They were only like 4 or 5 months old I think when we met. Then last summer I made plans to head up to Tricia's again. Our friend Kela was coming to town and it was a great excuse to see Tricia again, meet Kela and occupy me and the kids while Jim was gone the entire month to California for AT.

It was so nice to meet Tricia and Kela but I wasn't doing so well at that time. I was very pregnant with Jackson, overly stressed from being a single mom of 3 little ones with Joey having just turned 4yrs old. I was a miserable person and while I'd planned on staying a whole week I had to change my mind and come home early. I again was afraid that I'd ruin our friendship with the way I was feeling/acting and that it would only get worse from there. I just needed to be at home where I was able to relax a little better. Worrying about my boys being naughty and hurting kids or breaking items and rules was just not working for me. At home I can let them break it or ruin it and only have to answer to myself. Unfortunately what I was attempting to prevent happened anyway. Our friendship has never been the same and neither have I.

During that time I didn't get to see a lot of Kela. The days I was there she was on the go go go with her husband Paul and son Paul III. What little time we did get to spend together was nice but hard as it wasn't one on one but there were three of us and oh good heaven, 8 kids ages (8, 5, 4, 4, 3,3, 2, and 1)

So anyway, June is upon us again as are the birthday's! Joey's birthday buddies are all turning 5yrs old now. We have a few that did it before June, Meghan in March, Tristan in April, Kelleigh Ann and Grace in May and now.... Reagan on the 1st, Tyler and Nathan on the 8th (twins), Kai on the 11th, Hannah on the 14th, Joey on the 15th and Lorelei on the 30th. We're missing a few of our buddies: Melanie shares her birthday with Joey. Gabrelle on the 14th with Hannah, and Lucas on the 4th. Then of course we have a few that were in July, Sept and Oct: Joshua, Campbell, Paul and Olivia plus a few others that have since left our lives.

It's also a big month across the PAL board for loss too. I know that too many other lost their pregnancies at the same time I was losing mine. So June is bittersweet for me. Watching my first baby getting too big too fast, missing my Kyrie Eleison who should be nearly 5 1/2yrs old now and being so thankful for all my friends who helped me though all the ups and downs of pregnancy and birth and infancy and toddler years and now school years! Yikes! WOW! Looking at my boy today bring me tears, he's gotten so tall and mature looking. I'm planning on teaching him how to read?! How in the world, he's just my baby! He can't learn that stuff yet...but he's got to :)

So I dedicate this to ALL of my wonderful PAL friends

And this to all our beautiful birthday babies Big Kids!